


Don’t Let Me Drown

by FayeHunter



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: I wouldn’t say it’s casual talks but it’s certainly existential, Luke is depressed and Ashton is supportive, Luke works in healthcare, M/M, talks of death and healthcare references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-27 06:40:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30118710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FayeHunter/pseuds/FayeHunter
Summary: Luke’s been having the week from hell it would seem.
Relationships: Luke Hemmings/Ashton Irwin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 26





	Don’t Let Me Drown

**Author's Note:**

> So, I work in healthcare. I work at a nursing home. It’s been a rough year in general, but this last week has been the week from hell. This is how I processed the week. Please observe the tags. 
> 
> Part of the conversation is pulled from a conversation with [Amanda](https://lifewasradical.tumblr.com/) and some of it from another friend about our work hours. Amanda is the light of my life sometimes and I love her and Cake Boss very much. Maybe next week won’t suck.

It all goes to shit on a Wednesday. There’s nothing about this Wednesday that makes it any different from any other day in theory, expect it is. Luke’s been miserable since Sunday. He woke up tired in a way that sleeping hadn’t fixed, forcing himself out of bed and around his house when all he’d wanted to do was lie down and not wake up. The feeling had carried him into the week. He’d woken up on Monday at 4:00am and been unable to go back to sleep for the two hours between that and his alarm. He’d gone to work to find out that two people were in the hospital, their resident who went out Friday wasn’t back yet, and that he had to fit another evaluation into his already 7.5 hour day. Tuesday had been just as bad, filled with hours of smiling at people and paperwork to do. He finds out one of their patients has to be discharged to Hospice and it makes him miserable to do the paperwork. It makes him miserable looking at all the paperwork he has to do for his patients this week, knowing that half the people aren’t making progress and he’s just lying at this point. 

So yeah, he’s been achy and exhausted the last two days because he’s working so much and he can’t seem to sleep well and nothing feels right. He’s been trudging through the last two days, surviving on texts from Ashton and coffee. He never texts during his work day if he’s with patients, but he can’t be bothered to care this week. He’s foggy and miserable and he thinks if he has to wear a mask for another five minutes he might scream.

Luke thinks he’s done a good job of gritting his teeth and powering through it, pretending that he isn’t exhausted on a level that isn’t just physical. He’s mentally exhausted, emotionally drained. His coffee is a poor attempt to stay awake and he’s been miserable to be around for Ashton. He comes home to his boyfriend who’s still working from home, who’s smiling and happy, and all Luke does is eat dinner and sit on the couch, staring at the TV until they go to bed. He’s been working to the bone since the New Year and Luke’s tired. Usually he’s better at leaving things at work, but this week is starting to feel like the week from hell that he can’t get out from under. 

Of course, it all comes crashing down on a Wednesday. He walks into the building and finds out that two women have passed away. He’s barely had time to process that before he’s being handed a nine hour work day. He’s gotta watch Hospice come in to look at all their patients and he goes to talk to one lady and she says that she’s going to die and Luke just...he doesn’t know what to do. He has to discharge someone else and all he can think is that she hasn’t made progress and that it must be miserable to still be here when you can barely respond to your name.

It isn’t until he’s sat down to eat the lunch he’s packed in between people (and he hates that too, that he can’t enjoy his fucking sandwhich without there being 100 other things to do) that it hits him. It hits him that two people are dead and that he knew one of them. He worked with her. She’s just one person in a long line of patients that are dying. 

Luke never leaves to make a phone call. The last time he did it was when he had to call the doctor’s office. Luke doesn’t do this but he’s suddenly overwhelmingly sure that if he doesn’t get up and make a call to someone or do something he’s going to start crying in the middle of the gym. 

Luke gets up and walks out front, making his way over to the gazebo by the little lake outside their building. He’s clutching his phone in one hand, trying to control the sobs that are threatening to come out. He thumbs through until he gets to Ashton’s name, tapping the screen and waiting for it to connect. 

Ashton, bless him, answers on the second ring. 

“Luke? What’s up, it's the middle of your day?” Ashton asks, cheerful and Luke can’t take it. He starts sobbing, tears rolling down his face as he tries to muffle the sobs. 

“I just...I can’t anymore Ash,” is all Luke can manage to get out. He’s collapsed onto a bench now, head in his hands trying to muffle his sobs. 

“Oh sweetheart. What’s wrong?” 

“I’m fucking exhausted. I’m so fucking exhausted that I could scream. My whole head is throbbing and I can’t tell if it’s my iPad or the lack of sleep or what, but I can’t focus. I’m so tired of just existing. And then I feel shitty saying that because I work with all these people who have it much worse than I do. Like who am I to complain. And it’s like, I only work eight hours a day, I shouldn’t complain because I’ve seen you work 13 hours on a project and I don’t work as many hours so who am I to be burnt out,” Luke says in a rush. There’s a beat of silence on the phone before Ashton speaks. 

“Luke, I sit on a computer all day and granted, I work more hours, but you work a harder eight hours than I do. Yeah, I have to call clients and do all this editing and sort my shit out, but you spent your whole time lifting people and walking people and doing more movement than I could ever think about. It’s okay for you to be burnt out. We’re both allowed to be burnt out for different reasons,” Ashton says. It’s soft spoken and Luke can hear the ache in Ashton’s voice to wrap him up in a hug. Luke sniffles, wiping at his nose. 

“I just can’t keep doing this. I go in day in and day out and all I do is watch people die in slow motion. I help these people and I know they’re not getting better. I have people who I see everyday and I don’t even know if they know who I am. They can’t even respond to me and I just...I can’t keep doing this. I’ve watched three people die this week. I’ve watched four people die since I started here. I’m going to keep watching people die. It’s never going to stop. And I’m just expecting to keep going about my day. I’m expected to keep going and I can’t cry. No one else is crying because they’re used to it and I’m not. I’m not used to watching people die in front of me. I can’t figure out how to turn it off and I feel like a bad person because I can’t let things go but I feel even worse because I can’t process anything and treat. And now I’m not even working, I’m crying outside because I can’t process anything,” Luke says. Ashton sighs. 

“You’re not bad at your job because you cry about people dying. You’re human. It’s okay to be upset about it. Just because death is part of life doesn’t mean it’s not sad. You’re allowed to cry about it and you should be allowed to take five minutes to cry about it without feeling guilty about not working,” Ashton says. He’s using the voice he always does when he’s trying to be comforting. It’s not helping the tears streaming down Luke’s face, but it’s still nice to hear his voice. 

“I just feel shitty. I’m watching people die and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.”

“All you can do is make them comfortable and happy. You don’t have the power to stop death, but you can make sure no one is suffering.” 

“I just want it all to stop. I want to be able to take a break without feeling guilty. I want to be able to sit down and rest. I want to sleep a full night. I want to be less miserable as a person. I just wanna be better.” 

“You already are. You’re loving and kind and I couldn’t do what you do. Needing to cry doesn’t make you bad at your job. And you just need a few days to breath. You’re not miserable, you're just dealing with a lot.” 

Luke sighs, “Why do you always have to be right?” 

“I’m not but thank you for thinking that. I just love you okay. Just a few more hours and then we can cuddle at home.” 

“Will you make me tea?” 

“I’ll make you all the tea you want. And pizza.” 

Luke closes his eyes, tilts his head back. It doesn’t fix all his problems but he does feel better like this. He checks his watch, sighing when he sees the time. 

“I gotta go back inside before my boss wonders where I am. Love you. Thanks for answering.” 

“Always for you. Love you. Have a better afternoon,” Ashton says. They hang up and Luke takes a deep breath, standing up. It doesn’t fix the day and it doesn’t change how he feels, but he does feel lighter getting it off his chest. The world is bleak, but he has Ashton to look forward to at home. For now, that’s enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Come find me on [tumblr!](https://pixiegrl.tumblr.com/) Talk to me about Stardust, 5sos, Luke Hemmings, or you can sidetrack me by giving me more fic ideas!


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